Sunday, May 17, 2009

Melancholy and Infinitely Sad

I'm not quite sure what's going on with me the last few weeks. I am just so.....sad. Could it be the baby blues have just taken their time to show up? In my opinion though it doesn't feel like "that kind" of sad. (Though, really, how would I's not as if I've done this before...) Sadie lights up my day. I am still finding it difficult to comprehend all the ways she has changed my life and ALL for the better. It's feels like a rut. Like I've dug myself a hole I can't get out of. My heart hurts. My brain hurts. I am anxious and lethargic all at once. I am finding it hard to find good and happy beyond Sadie and the furbabies. I just can't get...happy. (It probably doesn't help that I feel like a whale.) You all know me, and for the most part, know my mental health issues. It's not that I'm not seeking help. After all, looking into my medicine cabinet makes me realize I could probably make more money selling my prescription drugs on the street than I do going to work. (Note to "The Man" who may be monitoring this blog (why, I'm not must have better things to do...), I would never actually do that....unless the money was REALLY good...just kidding...or maybe not...) 

 I just can't get out of this rut. I feel like I should be on top of the world and, to a huge extent, I am. I have never been so happy to have been proven wrong in my life. Sadie is an amazing miracle and I feel so blessed to have the privilege to know her and watch her grow. But what about those other moments? Those other dark, panicked moments where the anxiety seems like it is taking me over and the terrifying moments when I fear Sadie may feel this out of control someday as well. John said something to me today. "How do you feel this way all the time?" He was feeling a bit scattered and overwhelmed and didn't know where to start with his packing. I explained to him that I really didn't know, I just did. The medicine helps balance me, certainly. That's what its designed to do. But then I realized, he's scattered and overwhelmed about packing. For me, it's life. Yes, situational anxiety is a part of life, but what about when it's every moment? It's not just where to start packing. It feels like trying to keep your brain on track when it feels like its flying off the tracks. I feel like that is something he will never understand and I hope he never even comes close, but at the same time I need him to understand. I cannot help this and sometimes I feel guilty because...I feel like I should be able to keep it under control.

Tonight, I am up with Sadie. She isn't sleeping well. Her tummy hurts, I assume. Perhaps she ate too fast, or overate or.... it could be a million things. She can't tell me which of the million, though. That has to be frustrating for her. As frustrating as it is for me because I cannot fix what I do not know is broken. 

I started to think, maybe the sadness is knowing that, regardless of its positive or negative connotations, life will never be the same again. All I have is this moment to live in. I cannot know what the next will hold, but I know they are forever going to be about more than just me. Maybe that's the problem. I have been such a selfish being for so long. Perhaps I am sad because I can no longer be selfish. I now live to make things better for my daughter....

I'll figure it out, I suppose. I'll be back to my old chipper self in no time. (Though, seriously, was I ever chipper?!? Definitely not in the mornings!) 

Hm. I feel better already. Okay, not really, but I didn't want to end the post (which is probably more personal information than you ever wanted to know...) on a sour note. So... um.... PUPPIES! (Always makes me feel better!) :)


  1. Sam...postpartum depression is real. What your body has gone through, though natural as anything could ever be, it still has done things to your body beyond this and any other male's comprehension.

    Yes, it is true that your life will never be the same again. A period of mourning for those times is natural, but it is so good to see that you also are wisely reveling in all of the things that Sadie Jane has brought to you and to John. Soon "these days" will replace "those days" as the good times in your life. You'll think back fondly on "those days", with a smile and without remorse. "These days", though, will be the ones that, in the long run of your life, will have the greatest import. Trust me...I know this to be fact.

    Though I didn't go through anything like the biological changes that you went through, I did suffer from separation anxiety when faced with losing "those days". Yes, they were good times...and in small ways they helped to shape and mold me into who I am. It is the days and years spent with my boys, though, that made the largest positive impact on my makeup.

    This will pass, my friend. You'll weather this storm and sail into clear skies and calm seas. Then you'll go snorkeling with Sadie. :)

    Love ya,

  2. You ROCK Dave! And Sadie will be an expert snorkeler!! I can't wait to take her on High Pockets!!!! :)