I just can't get out of this rut. I feel like I should be on top of the world and, to a huge extent, I am. I have never been so happy to have been proven wrong in my life. Sadie is an amazing miracle and I feel so blessed to have the privilege to know her and watch her grow. But what about those other moments? Those other dark, panicked moments where the anxiety seems like it is taking me over and the terrifying moments when I fear Sadie may feel this out of control someday as well. John said something to me today. "How do you feel this way all the time?" He was feeling a bit scattered and overwhelmed and didn't know where to start with his packing. I explained to him that I really didn't know, I just did. The medicine helps balance me, certainly. That's what its designed to do. But then I realized, he's scattered and overwhelmed about packing. For me, it's life. Yes, situational anxiety is a part of life, but what about when it's every moment? It's not just where to start packing. It feels like trying to keep your brain on track when it feels like its flying off the tracks. I feel like that is something he will never understand and I hope he never even comes close, but at the same time I need him to understand. I cannot help this and sometimes I feel guilty because...I feel like I should be able to keep it under control.
Tonight, I am up with Sadie. She isn't sleeping well. Her tummy hurts, I assume. Perhaps she ate too fast, or overate or.... it could be a million things. She can't tell me which of the million, though. That has to be frustrating for her. As frustrating as it is for me because I cannot fix what I do not know is broken.
I started to think, maybe the sadness is knowing that, regardless of its positive or negative connotations, life will never be the same again. All I have is this moment to live in. I cannot know what the next will hold, but I know they are forever going to be about more than just me. Maybe that's the problem. I have been such a selfish being for so long. Perhaps I am sad because I can no longer be selfish. I now live to make things better for my daughter....
I'll figure it out, I suppose. I'll be back to my old chipper self in no time. (Though, seriously, was I ever chipper?!? Definitely not in the mornings!)
Hm. I feel better already. Okay, not really, but I didn't want to end the post (which is probably more personal information than you ever wanted to know...) on a sour note. So... um.... PUPPIES! (Always makes me feel better!) :)