Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Allow me a moments bitchiness, if you please...

I am puffy and swollen and bloated and irritated and to the skinny bitch on tv who is touting the wonders of being able to go shopping when you are skinny and beautiful and fabulous I'd like to convey a resounding GO TO HELL.

Ah. See? Better already.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I know, I know...

....I really do have the cutest baby EVER!

Today isn't that day.

What I wouldn't give to be able to turn my brain off for just a few hours...I'd settle for long enough to get to sleep.

It would be safe to say, I've had a lot on my plate the last few weeks. Months even. Possibly a year. Possibly more. But, for the moment, we'll stick to the recent past. Two weeks ago today (or technically, yesterday, at this point, but I don't count it a day until one goes to sleep and wakes up again...) my dog Bogey died. I keep find little bits of our life together everywhere I look. His sweatshirt blanket. His hair brush. His tattered security squirrel. His little green tennis balls. I can't even blow dry my hair without thinking of him, as he always demanded a blow dry as well...even when he wasn't wet. Memories on the boat. Memories camping. Memories going to Lowes and to Grandma's house. Everywhere memories, memories, memories. One day, they won't hurt as much. One day I will be able to recall them as beautifully wonderful times we spent together and not cry. One day. But not now. Now, they greet me painfully when I close my eyes. When I stretch out in bed unencumbered. When I realize I don't have to pick up those extras at the market. I don't have to rush home to let him out to potty or make sure he has his medicine before the thunderstorms hit. There aren't anymore Thursday night baths for Bogey. No more memories to make with Bogey.

As if all that wasn't enough, one week ago tomorrow (that's Tuesday for those keeping track) my cat Bunker died. My mother adopted Bunker for me when I was fifteen. I had just come to live with her and my stepfather and was having a lot of problems. Bunker became my everything. He was there when I woke up and we snuggled when I went to bed. He ate off my plate (noodles were a favorite). He used my shower time as a sauna. He used my bed as his own personal grooming station. He used my belly to 'mix.' I felt so incredibly, incredibly loved. And the love I feel for him is overwhelming. Yesterday I swept up the fur clumps. The tumbleweed reminders of my Noodle. I washed his favorite napping rug. The fur clumps will be ongoing. He was a very fluffy, furry cat and this house has swallowed its fair share of Bunker fur. His absence has been so painful. One day. One day I can remember all those wonderful, devoted years without pain. Today isn't that day.

I won't even go into job stability and my lack thereof at the moment. I am so incredibly stressed over this job. This ridiculous job. I can't even find the words. All I can say is, for now, I still have one. Thank you Judy.

Going back a little further...March 4, 2009. My life changed forever. Until then the baby growing inside me had been in the abstract. Present, but not. My body was doing all the work. I got to be a spectator (albeit a very abused one!). I got to watch the baby grow from the outside. A truly fascinating process. Amazing. Miraculous. Scientific. Then at 8:22am that Wednesday morning, Dr. Evers laid my beautiful baby girl on my chest as she drew her first breaths. My beautiful Sadie Jane. Amazing. Miraculous. (Exhausting!) I had no idea a person could fall in love so quickly. For as disconnected as I was from her while she was growing inside of me, I fell in love in a moment and my life was changed forever. I haven't figured out what kind of mother I will turn out to be, but I know that my darling baby girl will never, ever doubt my absolute love for her.

Breathe. G-d has chosen this for me.

Here's the deal with G-d at this particular moment in time. I'm pissed. I'm not sure if you're really supposed to be pissed at G-d, but I totally am. I want Bogey back. I want Bunker back. I want a good job. I want the people of this town to catch a damn break. I want Sadie to have an amazingly wonderful, full life. I want to end world hunger and create world peace. Is that too damn much to ask for? What have I done to displease Him? PLEASE tell me. I have gotten to the point where I've said goodbye to two of my most beloved family members and I cannot take it anymore. Am I supposed to be learning something? Is this supposed to teach me to love them while they are here and give them what I can and then say goodbye? How do you do that gracefully? How do you do that without falling apart? Here's what I've learned so far: I am afraid to go to sleep. What if I lose Sadie next? Or John? What if something happens and there's something I can do about it or worse, I can't. I can't sleep. I want to do nothing but snuggle Sadie into bed with me, but I'm afraid I might hurt her so I put her in her crib, but I'm always afraid she'll be cold, but I'm afraid to put her in a blanket....

My therapist says these are "ruminating thoughts" and I need to put them out of my mind when I try to go to sleep. Right now, I can't STOP THINKING. About everything. About Bogey and Bunker and Tracy (and screwing that up) and Sadie and John and the rest of my furry family and my Mom and ..... I just can't stop thinking. I am so very, very tired and I would give anything (with a few exceptions) to just be able to flip a switch and turn my brain off for a few peaceful, dreamless hours of sleep.

I love my daughter. I love my pets. I love my husband. I love my G-d. But, I hurt so very, very much and I am so very, very angry. One day I won't be. Today isn't that day.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Grocery Store Blues

I've never been fond of the grocery store. At least not the Walmart grocery store. I mean, I can totally get into shopping at Whole Foods or The Fresh Market or Trader Joe's (but like I have that kind of money), but Walmart is just....Walmart. Anyway, today I was actually sad. It was my first trip to the market where I didn't have to buy supplies to make Bogey's food. No ground turkey, no eggs, no rice, no white bread. I nearly cried in the meat department. I imagine people often get that feeling whilst shopping at Walmart...that feeling of loss and depression, but I feel mine was totally justified. I was not merely beaten down by an evil grocery and dry goods empire. I was beaten down by my grocery list and its missing items. It will get easier. I know this, but right now easier seems improbable. Happy seems impossible.

I miss my darling Bogey. My Bogart McWestie. My Boogers McFlufferDoodle. (John's Testies McDuff...) It hurts so much. It's hard to imagine ever getting over it.

One day at a time, right? One day it will be okay. Until then, I will continue to sob over my grocery list.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I've lost one of my best friends and my heart is broken.

Yesterday afternoon John and I said goodbye to Bogey, our spunky, stubborn and very much loved Westie.  Last June he was diagnosed as being in kidney failure and after days in the hospital on IV fluids and the prescription of a special diet, John and I were optimistic that we would be able to hold onto our darling little man for a little while longer. Bogey, being Bogey, didn't want to eat the prescription food, of course and I set out to cook a reduced protein diet for him several times a week. Ground turkey, hard-boiled eggs, crumbled up white bread, rice and added calcium carbonate. A dog's dream. But it wasn't enough and he began his downhill descent. After bouncing back better than anyone had anticipated from his major back surgery (the removal of two bulging disks out of his spine), its his kidneys that we couldn't save.

I cannot properly convey the grief I am feeling. I am heartbroken. I love him so much and I miss him SO much. I can't even convey it in words. I know that my life is the better for having him in it and I know he got more years than he would have with a lot of other pet owners, but they weren't enough for me. We took him everywhere with us. Everywhere he could go, he went. Our little Bogey. (Or, lovingly, my Boogers McFlufferDoodle) Our house feels emptier and while I know he is no longer in pain and can rest, I am angry and I feel as though it just wasn't enough. I want him back. I WANT HIM BACK. NOW. 

I am trying so hard to be strong. To be fair to my other pets and to Sadie and be all there for them, but all I want to do is curl up under the covers and cry until I can't cry anymore and even then it wouldn't be enough. He's not there when I get home from work or when I go to bed at night. I was always amazed at how much space such a little dog could take up, but I miss it terribly. While I love my pets, I have never had a dog with SO much personality and such a stubbornness. He was the best "bad dog" ever! And he's everywhere in so many memories that I'm afraid to forget, yet am wishing away because they hurt so much.

I just love him so much and miss him SO much and I know John loves and misses his little buddy too... there will never be another Bogey. I miss him SO VERY, VERY MUCH. I can't stand this. I need him back. In the end, he just wasn't our Bogey anymore. He was getting lost in the backyard and in the house. He didn't give kisses even when I tried to buy them by scratching his back and his day became sleep, potty and eating. No more tennis ball. No more jump spins. No more Bogey. I know it was the right thing to do, but I am so upset. I miss him so much. His cute little face and the adorable little "give it to me now" howl he had. His snuggles on the sofa and in bed. His little face out the car window, his little muddy everything because he was so low to the ground. His happiness in his little red jacket. I miss him and it hurts so very much. 

Thank you for listening.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Happy BFPiversary to me!

It's hard to believe, but one year ago today (July 2, 2008) I discovered that the extreme exhaustion, the waves of nausea and the ridiculous water retention was not, in fact, a result of the stresses of thesis presentation and grad school graduation, but was little Sadie making her presence known with a Big Fat Positive (BFP) on a digital pregnancy test....all four of them. (I like to be sure....)

Despite the nervousness, the trepidation, and the outright fear of becoming a mother, I love every single minute of being Sadie's mother. She is my world and the brightest star in my sky. I think this is the most amazing this I have ever done and will ever be apart of. I can be having the worst day. I can be so exhausted I could fall over and so annoyed I could scream, but one look at Sadie's beautiful smile and hearing the delightful sound of her gorgeous laugh and I know that every single moment of exhaustion and irritation was worth it just to live in that moment with Sadie. 

I never thought I was "Mom material." I just wasn't maternal. I love my dogs and cats with everything I have and I didn't think I could ever share that with a baby. I was so wrong. I was born to be Sadie's Mommy. I love watching her learn. I love watching her discover new things and squeal with delight at the sight of her Daddy. Even when I think about labor I realize, every single moment of pain, every contraction, every moment I didn't think I could do it, I am thankful for because it resulted in Sadie Jane in my world. She is perfect with her little fingers and little toes and her beautiful smile and her twinkling laugh. I have never been so thankful to have been proven so very, very wrong. I have never loved anything like I love my Sadie. As much as I want to freeze her as a baby, I am going to enjoy watching her continue to grow and learn and try new things. I have never been happier. Ever. Ever.