Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The last 8 months...

So, it's more than half way through the year and I thought I would update what I have accomplished this year so far....

(1) I lost my job.
(2) I sent my baby to preschool for the first time.
(3) I have been keeping my weekly therapy appointments and really feel like they've been useful.
(4) I've lost about 20 pounds. (Go ME!)
(5) I've cut some unhealthy people out of my life. Painfully, but necessarily.
(6) I've said goodbye to one of my best friend's, Kaiser.
(7) I've had surgery twice. (My insurance company must love me.)
(8) I've watched my beautiful baby grow into a beautiful, grumpy, active, fussy, funny, firecracker of a toddler.

In all, when I think about it, it's been a pretty uneventful year. Boring even. Painful.

When Lord? When's my time?

When is everything going to make some sense? My brain is constantly running a mile a minute about everything and is making sense of nothing. Since I last wrote, my body has been through a plethora of pain and indignities, but even that has not bothered me nearly as much as not being able to make sense of what is going through my head. What happens when you think about the same thing literally a million different times, in a million different ways and it doesn't matter because the likelihood of any of it mattering is so infantile, so miniscule, so remote that I would likelier be a can-can dancer in Tijuana before any of it ever happened. (Which is to really say, never.)

Why must I do these things to myself? Why can't I just let it go? Obsession is not the same thing as determination and determination can sometimes be useless when you can't really make sense of the ridiculousness of what is happening anyway.

I feel like I am completely losing control and getting better at the same time.