Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Guilty as charged

[...] If I were better at physics, I could probably create an equation for this: It is not so much the piano falling; it is the constant potential that the piano will fall. It is an imagined piano, endlessly falling, waiting to take shape the minute I stop looking for it. As soon as I relax, it will form out of the air molecules. I am guilty of the happiness that comes from feeling good, from not craning my neck. That loose space, the space unwatched, the life lived."
- Aimee Bender, "House of Love and Bragging", The Modern Jewish Girl's Guide to Guilt

So, as it turns out, this book isn't as funny as I thought it would be. No, indeed. It's far more serious and thought-provoking which is exactly what I WASN'T looking for. Alas, I'm reading it because there is something compelling about it that urges me to read on. The passage above by Aimee Bender is just one of many I could have quoted as though the writers were writing just for me. I realize, though I think I have always known, as I was reading that I live my life waiting for the next bad thing to happen because bad things always happen. The piano is hovering above me waiting to fall and the moment I think things are okay, or I stop waiting for the piano to fall, it crushes me like a pancake. Bender says the guilt is from happiness, of not waiting for the piano to fall and that this is our lot in life. I long ago accepted that this was my lot in life. The piano mercilessly hovering, waiting to crush me. I need no prompting to feel guilt. Guilt is like a weight around my neck and though there are moments I feel as though I can see rays of sunshine, I am dragged back down into the bog by this mass slowly pulling me down and drowning me in the mud.

As it turns out, this book is totally enlightening in a totally heavy and depressing way. It's telling me what I already know, but much more eloquently and with beautiful prose, as if that makes the pill easier to swallow. Oh, the guilt I feel. About everything. Even about being happy.

Sunday, July 10, 2011


Shattered, Battered and Weathered
Remember when?
Your broken mirrored promises
tied knots in ribbons long ago frayed and a
Broken heart left

Promises, so many
Patience, so little
Crushing pain and despair
A seeming disconnect
A knowing hurt.

Endless waiting
Now, years in shambles

Different than me has always been an enemy.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Mama Kat's Writing Prompt 7.5.2011:We just celebrated America’s Independence! Write a poem about what freedom means to you.

We just celebrated America’s Independence! Write a poem about what freedom means to you.

Freedom is...

A double edged sword
But expected
Freedom to believe, hope and love
It fits me
Horrific War
Death and Heartache
Patriotism in every form
Given to every American when their born
But are we free
Compare your lives
To those who strive
to live


Monday, July 4, 2011