I've lost one of my best friends and my heart is broken.

Yesterday afternoon John and I said goodbye to Bogey, our spunky, stubborn and very much loved Westie.  Last June he was diagnosed as being in kidney failure and after days in the hospital on IV fluids and the prescription of a special diet, John and I were optimistic that we would be able to hold onto our darling little man for a little while longer. Bogey, being Bogey, didn't want to eat the prescription food, of course and I set out to cook a reduced protein diet for him several times a week. Ground turkey, hard-boiled eggs, crumbled up white bread, rice and added calcium carbonate. A dog's dream. But it wasn't enough and he began his downhill descent. After bouncing back better than anyone had anticipated from his major back surgery (the removal of two bulging disks out of his spine), its his kidneys that we couldn't save.

I cannot properly convey the grief I am feeling. I am heartbroken. I love him so much and I miss him SO much. I can't even convey it in words. I know that my life is the better for having him in it and I know he got more years than he would have with a lot of other pet owners, but they weren't enough for me. We took him everywhere with us. Everywhere he could go, he went. Our little Bogey. (Or, lovingly, my Boogers McFlufferDoodle) Our house feels emptier and while I know he is no longer in pain and can rest, I am angry and I feel as though it just wasn't enough. I want him back. I WANT HIM BACK. NOW. 

I am trying so hard to be strong. To be fair to my other pets and to Sadie and be all there for them, but all I want to do is curl up under the covers and cry until I can't cry anymore and even then it wouldn't be enough. He's not there when I get home from work or when I go to bed at night. I was always amazed at how much space such a little dog could take up, but I miss it terribly. While I love my pets, I have never had a dog with SO much personality and such a stubbornness. He was the best "bad dog" ever! And he's everywhere in so many memories that I'm afraid to forget, yet am wishing away because they hurt so much.

I just love him so much and miss him SO much and I know John loves and misses his little buddy too... there will never be another Bogey. I miss him SO VERY, VERY MUCH. I can't stand this. I need him back. In the end, he just wasn't our Bogey anymore. He was getting lost in the backyard and in the house. He didn't give kisses even when I tried to buy them by scratching his back and his day became sleep, potty and eating. No more tennis ball. No more jump spins. No more Bogey. I know it was the right thing to do, but I am so upset. I miss him so much. His cute little face and the adorable little "give it to me now" howl he had. His snuggles on the sofa and in bed. His little face out the car window, his little muddy everything because he was so low to the ground. His happiness in his little red jacket. I miss him and it hurts so very much. 

Thank you for listening.