Sunday, June 19, 2011

Is this thing still on?

I know, I know. Where have I been. It seems so like me though, doesn't it? To just completely abandon a project and then come back over a year later and just expect it to be here, ready and waiting for me to resume. And, of course, I assume I remember how to resume it. That is the easy part of talking to yourself though. Can you forget how? Doesn't everyone have an internal monologue? (I'm told, yes everyone has one; no, not everyone is annoying enough to expect everyone to read it. Noted.)

So, here's the skinny. I now find my self among the 9.1% of Americans that currently count themselves as unemployed. (Okay, so that's a May 2011 number, but it's gotta be in that ballpark the new numbers don't come out until July 8, 2011.) Yes, friends, I have been "shit-canned". We talked about it, we freaked out about it, we panicked about it, we even joked about it...and then it actually happened! Who saw that coming?! I am, as one would expect in these difficult economic times, devastated. And then again, not. Did I even really like the job? No, I hadn't for a long time. Was I happy there? No, it was slowly crushing what was left of my withering soul. Then what the heck is wrong with me?? Well, honestly, most of it, is a little bit of pain at the rejection. Our program had only recently been taken over by a new director and regional manager. They don't know us. They don't know our students. They don't know how well we operate. But there's not enough money (but they don't have their budget allocation for the year yet...), there aren't enough students (okay, they can have that one, enrollment is down across the entire college system), but here's the kicker: my students don't show enough academic progress. Well, you know what that means, don't you? It can't possibly mean that I teach low level students who test in at grade school levels and have a myriad of learning disabilities, not to mention their sporadic attendance and, literally, mental health problems. It means I'm not a very good teacher. Why, why, oh why, did they have to go there? Could they not have left it at attendance and budgetary issues and not added that extra kick in the teeth by alluding to the fact that it's my fault my students can't make progress. Like I'm somehow sucking the knowledge out of them. Ouch, ladies. Very ouch.

So this is where I've been. At least for almost the past week anyway. Throwing a pity party. Party of One. For those of you who know me very well, you know I am like the best of pity party hostesses. I am Queen of pity party planners. Seriously, take notes. So, of course, any weight loss I had previously accomplished? Yeah, kissed that goodbye. Doughnuts. I needed doughnuts. Glazed and raspberry filled doughnuts. I bought "some" for me. (Well, leave it as "some" so I can leave this blog post with some "self-respect"...) My mother-in-law even bought some for me. Powdered and raspberry filled. (See a pattern? Direct line to my heart? Raspberry filling.) Muffins. Fig Newton Thins. Magnum Ice Cream Bars in the Double Chocolate, Double Caramel and Almond flavors.... I could go on and on, but why? You get the general idea. Gluttonous. Gelatinous. Gross. Delicious adult beverages. I have no boundaries and as I think about it, I haven't done anything worth anything this week. Laundry? Yes, but that's like a HAD to be done. Sweeping? Yes, but that's because I don't want to be buried alive under pet hair. I don't want people to think I hoard cat fur. I mean, I love it, but more ON the cat. I slept whenever possible. If you called/ texted/emailed and didn't get an answer, that's probably why. I can only assume this indulgent, disgusting behaviour will continue at the detriment of my mental health until something snaps inside, my clothes no longer fit, or I have to go to rehab.

I will overcome? (Yikes.)

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