It's hard to describe just one moment in particular. G-d and I have often travelled a bumpy road. I have the extremely bad habit of needing a scapegoat when things go poorly in my life and G-d is there. He is omnipresent and loving and all powerful. How can he allow such pain and unhappiness in the world? In my life?
I went to Israel in January of 2007. I was excited about the trip and while it was a religious trip, I think, at the time, I was more excited about being able to travel. I love to travel. I boarded the flight and squeezed into the cattle car seating in coach. I love to fly, but something about the flight just felt different. As we were boarding there were huge celebrations taking place as a large group of people were making Aliyah. They were making the giant leap of faith of moving to Israel---a land of uncertainty--from the relatively safe confine of the United States. I was in awe of them. At the time, I thought there was no way I could make that sort of leap. As it was, I had parents and friends and family worried sick I was even traveling to Israel as a tourist. It had only been six tense months since the ceasefire with Lebanon and I would spend part of my trip traveling in the Golan Heights on the boarder with Lebanon and Syria....not Israel's greatest friends.
As we made our way across the Atlantic, I found myself too excited to sleep. Israel. The Promised Land. The Holy Land. I secretly prayed with the men that gathered at the rear of the airplane as the sun set. (They were Orthodox Jews and men and women do not pray together...) I prayed for a safe trip. I prayed for my family. I prayed for the future of Israel. I prayed for a safe landing.
The beautiful thing about Israel is that G-d is almost palpable. I have never been to a place where just being makes me feel so close to G-d. It is the most amazing feeling. It is consuming. For someone who's relationship with G-d has always been a little dramatic, I was so thankful and so in awe. The feeling is indescribable.
While I was in Israel, I visited the Kotel. (The Western Wall, The Wailing Wall) Tradition is to place a prayer on a piece of paper and place in the cracks of the Wall. Inexplicably, as I had never even considered a family a possibility, I prayed for John and I to have a family and I placed my prayer in the wall. The feeling of confusion as to why I would do that stayed with me well after the trip.
I love my relationship with G-d, despite its ups and downs. July 2, 2008. The day that changed my life forever. I found out I was pregnant with Sadie. She is my G-d moment every day. She is amazing and prefect and wonderful. When I look at her, for a brief moment I am back at the Kotel praying for her presence in my life. I thank G-d for her.
My G-d moment is a series of beautiful moments. Whenever John embraces me. Whenever Sadie smiles. I am in awe of how incredibly lucky I am.